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someting funny
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Tao



Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland

 Post Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2003 3:50 am    Post subject: someting funny
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An airplane was about to crash; there were 5
passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best
NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't
afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the
wife of the former U.S. President, a NY State Senator
and a potential future president. And I am the
smartest woman in American history, so America's
people don't want me to die", and she took the 2nd
pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm the
president of the United States of America. I have
great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation." So he
grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th
passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and
frail and don't have many years left, and as a
Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have
the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left
for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
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Tao



Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland

 Post Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2003 11:12 am    Post subject:
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A Montgomery, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading:"TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
-----------------

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the PA State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the PA State Police Ball..

"He replied, "PA State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was
laughing too hard to start her car.
-----------------

A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart
aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned,
"I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
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Tao



Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland

 Post Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2003 11:31 am    Post subject:
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The new California Governor-Elect has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German, which was the other possibility.



As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or, perhaps even better, "Austrionics").



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd! year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.


Tao
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Kitae



Joined: 29 Sep 2003
Posts: 51

 Post Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2003 12:41 pm    Post subject:
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I have a funny too Tao:

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. , and Golf clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. what can I do?Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to down load Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will down load the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Laughing
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Tao



Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland

 Post Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2004 5:45 pm    Post subject:
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I got these from a friend IG:

NIGHTMARE #1

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."




NIGHTMARE #2

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"


NIGHTMARE #3

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
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HR-Trevor
Boss Type Guy


Joined: 04 Oct 2002
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 Post Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2004 6:23 pm    Post subject:
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There is a short movie about #3 somewhere, and it's absolutely hilarious.
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Tao



Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland

 Post Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2004 9:10 pm    Post subject:
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Heh, if you ever figure it out, do tell. Wink
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 Post Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2004 9:31 pm    Post subject:
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http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/landing/landingIndex.jsp?id=indecent_proposal&mature=accept

BTW, moving this thread to "just for a laugh"
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Tao



Joined: 19 Nov 2002
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Location: Maryland

 Post Posted: Sat Jan 17, 2004 4:51 am    Post subject:
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LOL. Too funny. heh.
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ethrstorm
Riddle-De-Dum


Joined: 05 Jul 2003
Posts: 265
Location: Artificial trees in an artificial land.

 Post Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 7:40 pm    Post subject: Corporate Ladder
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Corporate Ladder

After a two year-long study, the National Science Foundation announced
the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people
is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
your balls become.
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HR-Trevor
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 Post Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2004 7:42 pm    Post subject:
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<laugh> That was good.
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Tao



Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland

 Post Posted: Thu Feb 05, 2004 3:16 pm    Post subject:
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Calling In Sick
The Perfect Friday Excuse!

EMPLOYEE: "I'm sorry, but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."

BOSS: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

EMPLOYEE: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"
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Tao



Joined: 19 Nov 2002
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Location: Maryland

 Post Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2004 11:04 am    Post subject:
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THE BOX UNDER THE BED

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash
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 Post Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2004 11:09 am    Post subject:
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That was great.
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Mischeif



Joined: 26 Sep 2003
Posts: 277

 Post Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2004 11:42 am    Post subject:
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dear boss,
i MUST, under any condition, have the night of the 13th off.


that day at lunch his boss asks, "why is it so important?"

"my wife informed me she is getting pregnant then, i kinda need to be there"
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