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Tao
Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland
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 Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2007 11:55 am Post subject: |
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Tao
Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2007 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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2002-11-08 - LETTER OF RESIGNATION FROM AN EMPLOYEE AT ZANTEX
Dear Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above that of the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of my duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but a waste of precious oxygen.
I was hired because...
I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however, with a few parting thoughts:
(1) When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer no comment". I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
(2) I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites" list, which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.
(3) When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mother's b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in a safe place pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation by 8.00 a.m. tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.
Never fuck with your systems administrator. Why?... Because they know what you do with all that free time.
Sincerely,
Darryl Brewster
...Apparently his boss resigned not too long after. |
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Tao
Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland
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Tao
Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2007 8:32 pm Post subject: |
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Radio Prank
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Tao
Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland
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Tao
Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland
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Tylen
Alpha Antifemale
Joined: 29 Jul 2003
Posts: 1192
Location: Not Colorado
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| Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 8:11 am Post subject: |
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Hustler offers $1 million for sex smut on Congress
WASHINGTON, June 3 (Reuters) - Hustler magazine is looking for some scandalous sex in Washington again -- and willing to pay for it.
"Have you had a sexual encounter with a current member of the United States Congress or a high-ranking government official?" read a full-page advertisement taken out by Larry Flynt's pornographic magazine in Sunday's Washington Post.
It offered $1 million for documented evidence of illicit intimate relations with a congressman, senator or other prominent officeholder. A toll-free number and e-mail address were provided.
The last time Flynt made such an offer was in October 1998 during the drive to impeach President Bill Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
In the following months, the pornographic publishing mogul threatened to expose one or two members of the Republican Congress pushing for the impeachment, according to media reports at the time.
That long-awaited expose, published months after Clinton's trial, dropped no bombshells, according to a 1999 Slate.com article, but Flynt's efforts played a role in the resignation of House-speaker designate Bob Livingston of Louisiana.
Flynt's target this time, if he has one, was not immediately known. |
_________________
** The phrase "break a leg" just wasn't ambitious enough for Mellie Knight. [8:31 pm]
** Mellie Knight was soundly defeated by Aesal Anari-Idia in the Zgedhi Gkenrzeg Rav! [8:31 pm] |
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indigone
Mild mannered thinker
Joined: 09 Oct 2005
Posts: 145
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| Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 12:25 pm Post subject: |
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| Tylen wrote: |
| Quote: |
Hustler offers $1 million for sex smut on Congress
WASHINGTON, June 3 (Reuters) - Hustler magazine is looking for some scandalous sex in Washington again -- and willing to pay for it.
"Have you had a sexual encounter with a current member of the United States Congress or a high-ranking government official?" read a full-page advertisement taken out by Larry Flynt's pornographic magazine in Sunday's Washington Post.
It offered $1 million for documented evidence of illicit intimate relations with a congressman, senator or other prominent officeholder. A toll-free number and e-mail address were provided.
The last time Flynt made such an offer was in October 1998 during the drive to impeach President Bill Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
In the following months, the pornographic publishing mogul threatened to expose one or two members of the Republican Congress pushing for the impeachment, according to media reports at the time.
That long-awaited expose, published months after Clinton's trial, dropped no bombshells, according to a 1999 Slate.com article, but Flynt's efforts played a role in the resignation of House-speaker designate Bob Livingston of Louisiana.
Flynt's target this time, if he has one, was not immediately known. |
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Full page ad in the Washington Post.
HUGE letters.
I belly laughed. Especially the part about him wanting people to have real evidence to back up their stories. Reminded me of the "black dress".
I didn't laugh about the fact that his last offer was nearly 10 years ago. Feels like last year.
_________________
"Woke up late one Thursday, and I'm seeing stars as I'm rubbing my eyes. And I felt like there were two days missing, as I focused on the time. And I made my way to the kitchen, but I had to stop from the shock of what I found, a room full of all of my friends dancing round and round and round. And I thought hello new shoes, Bye-Bye blues!"
- Paolo Nutini |
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Tao
Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland
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| Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007 8:18 am Post subject: |
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MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see
any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit
suicide if he does.
So next Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern Time, all American women
are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help
weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this
anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their
house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they
think it's OK to see nude women other than their wife and to show
support for all American women.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack
at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out
terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist
activity.
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HR-Trevor
Boss Type Guy
Joined: 04 Oct 2002
Posts: 6683
Location: Louisville, KY
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 6:09 am Post subject: |
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Since when does Muslim = terrorist?
Sorry, I don't find much humor in racism.
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"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." -- Plato
-- Trevor Rage / Rich Mondy |
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Tylen
Alpha Antifemale
Joined: 29 Jul 2003
Posts: 1192
Location: Not Colorado
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 9:01 am Post subject: |
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| HR-Trevor wrote: |
| Sorry, I don't find much humor in racism. |
While I didn't notice any racism in that last one, I think those types of jokes can be absolutely hilarious:
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A couple of Jaddan Troopers are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other flips on her comm and calls for help: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
Dixie Pierce, in a calm soothing voice, replies, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then shots from a splattergun are heard.
The female's voice comes back on the comm: "Okay, now what?" |
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Two Alteri Artisans go on an archeological dig. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, one wakes up and nudges his companion. "Yeevu, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Zzaxiq," replies Yeevu.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Yeevu ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Ilafai is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that Veclav is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Zzaxiq?"
Zzaxiq is silent for a moment. "Yeevu, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" |
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A female Darju gets on a transport shuttle with her offspring.
The bus pilot says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The Darju goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." |
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A female Human rushes to see her Medic, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The Medic looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you it's not your eyesight." |
_________________
** The phrase "break a leg" just wasn't ambitious enough for Mellie Knight. [8:31 pm]
** Mellie Knight was soundly defeated by Aesal Anari-Idia in the Zgedhi Gkenrzeg Rav! [8:31 pm] |
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HR-Trevor
Boss Type Guy
Joined: 04 Oct 2002
Posts: 6683
Location: Louisville, KY
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 3:07 am Post subject: |
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Definitions of racism may vary, but I view stereotyping an entire race or ethnicity (for example, saying all Muslims are terrorists) as a form of racism. The "joke" used the two terms interchangably as if they were one and the same word.
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"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." -- Plato
-- Trevor Rage / Rich Mondy |
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Tao
Joined: 19 Nov 2002
Posts: 1733
Location: Maryland
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 5:34 am Post subject: |
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Hillarious stuff, especially the alteri and darju one.
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soundless
EIGHT YEARS OLD!!!
Joined: 22 May 2004
Posts: 5970
Location: Spaceship
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 8:52 am Post subject: |
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oh the downside of doing google searches for "ONLINE MEME JOKES" +"FIVE YEARS OLD"
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A bright-eyed Thekko Ku Kalla dressed in a dapper sailor suit takes to flight and careers through the air toward the Modan Kucho and slams into him!
With a high-pitched cry, The Modan Kucho collapses in death. |
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Tylen
Alpha Antifemale
Joined: 29 Jul 2003
Posts: 1192
Location: Not Colorado
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 9:12 am Post subject: |
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It's not that I have an issue with your definition, but the "joke" made no mention of any race or ethnicity.
_________________
** The phrase "break a leg" just wasn't ambitious enough for Mellie Knight. [8:31 pm]
** Mellie Knight was soundly defeated by Aesal Anari-Idia in the Zgedhi Gkenrzeg Rav! [8:31 pm] |
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