Chili Tester Named Frank - The Following joke is rated R

[Tugor]

Notes From an Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at
the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon,
when the call came. I was assured by the other
two judges(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting. So I accepted."
> >
> > Here are the scorecards from the event:
> >
_______________________________________________________
> > # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.
Amusing kick.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.
> >
> > FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst
one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
_______________________________________________________
> > # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
> >
> > FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I
had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look
on my face.
> >
_______________________________________________________
> > # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great
kick. Needs more beans.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good
use of peppers.
> >
> > FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all
the beer.
> >
_______________________________________________________
> > CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
> >
> > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout
taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 400 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili
an aphrodisiac?
> >
_______________________________________________________
> > CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
Impressive.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could
use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
> >
> > FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
> >
_______________________________________________________
> > CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
> >
> > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
> >
___________________________________________________
> > CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
> >
> > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn
shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
____________________________________________________
> >
> > CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S
CHILI
> >
> > JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare it's existence.
> >
> > JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good,
balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot chili?
_________________
It is better to be pissed off than pissed on.

[senseandviolets]

[HR-Hunter]

My chili makes people cry.
_________________
~Hunter~

[HR-Mickey]