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HR-Faith
OCD Grammar Perfectionist
Joined: 01 Apr 2004
Posts: 964
Location: Japan
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HR-Mickey
Cloverfield Monster
Joined: 24 Nov 2002
Posts: 1844
Location: I've Got No 'billy
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 Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 5:40 am Post subject: |
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For some reason, mudconnector refuses to let me load any pages. Even the main index.
_________________
Mickey Brunner
To make a long story short, don't tell it.
I may be going nowhere, but I'm going nowhere fast.
---
Kelvin Watt says, "I stopped drinking coke when no longer drinking beer didn't make my gut disappear."
---
Kaelin Rae says, "Wait a minute..."
Kaelin Rae says, "You mean they have a COKE machine that dispenses beer."
Kaelin Rae nods to you.
Kaelin Rae says, "Greaser."
Kaelin Rae looks at you and sighs. |
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HR-Faith
OCD Grammar Perfectionist
Joined: 01 Apr 2004
Posts: 964
Location: Japan
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| Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 5:50 am Post subject: |
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Well, here it is copied for those who can't click the link:
| Quote: |
1. Setting up my friend's keyboard to run high-voltage
electricity through him is NOT NICE, so I may not do it
ever again.
2. Similarly, laughing my head off when the above sets his
hair on fire is not an acceptable substitute for the
first-aid skills I posess.
3. Setting my supervisor's passwords to vulgar and/or
obscene terms is mean, I'm sorry, and I won't do it again.
4. Apparently, the above also applies to usernames.
5. And PC identifications on a Windows LAN.
6. And company e-mail addresses.
7. And the company's working titles for software.
8. Underwear, no matter how attractive, colorful, or
amusing, does not in fact qualify as 'The national costume
of all Geekdom', and I may therefore not wear underwear to
work on National Heritage Day.
9. Nor is such garb acceptable for casual Fridays.
10. Points ( and (9) above apparently mean I'm supposed
to wear a pair of pants, a shirt, and possibly a tie as
well as underwear; they do not in fact mean 'come to work
Commando-style', and I will therefore never do that again.
11. If, through some strange quirk of fate, that does
happen, I may no longer broadcast that information over
the company PA.
12. I am not allowed to accept the proposal of marriage
extended to me by Susan in accounting due to my actions in
(11).
13. Refer to point (10); point ( does not mean "Wear the
national costume of all Geekdom sans the underwear", and
I'm very sorry, and it will never happen again.
14. If it does happen again, I am not allowed to duck
responsibility for any psychiatrist's bills thus incurred
by co-workers.
15. I still may not accept proposals, decent or otherwise,
extended to me by Susan in accounting as a result of my
actions in (13).
16. I am not allowed to call playing Jedi Outcast: Jedi
Academy 'stress-testing the networks'.
17. The same applies for Neverwinter Nights.
18. Coffee breaks are fifteen minutes long, and not 'a
lifestyle'.
19. Making up meaningless technical jargon to tell
customers, whilst amusing, is unethical, and I may not do
it any more.
20. Running into the company cafeteria and shouting
"Morpheus is fightin' Neo!" is not allowed.
21. Similarly, trying to coerce the duty cooks into making
'nutrient goo' is not permitted.
22. Finally, I am not permitted to pretend I had nothing
to do with it when, upon my announcement of Morpheus/Neo
Combat, the cafeteria is emptied in four seconds, leaving
six
broken tables and Bob from accounting, who tried to do
that cool table-vault stunt.
23. I must not call my supervisor "Herr Commandant".
24. Or "Darth Jones".
25. Or "Flame of Udun".
26. Or "Agent Jones".
27. Throwing holy water at my manager will not postpone my
deadline, so I should no longer do so.
28. I am not allowed to sit and laugh instead of
administering first aid when the holy water causes his
cell phone to explode in his pocket, no matter how much I
may want to.
29. Playing strip poker with Susan in accounting is
innappropriate use of company time.
30. So is playing Magic: The Gathering with the boys down
in Security.
31. The proper name of Methyltheobromine is caffeine, not
'Holy life-giving fluid that is all we require for life'.
32. Therefore I will not form a cult around it.
33. 'Dungeons & Dragons' is NOT 'a team-building
excersise'.
34. Taking over the world from my desk is ALSO,
apparently, a mis-use of company time.
35. Commandan- I mean, Mr. Jones- doesn't think I should
do that on my own time, either.
36. Running through the halls screaming "I'll kill you
all!" is only funny to ME.
37. Swords are not allowed at work.
38. "Gangbeating Commandant Jones" is similarly not a
team-building excersise.
39. Final Fantasy does not, in fact, represent real life,
thus the use of the word 'Fantasy' in the title;
therefore, gesturing madly and screaming "Haste! Haste!
Haste!" will not increase productivity in my department.
40. When (39) does in fact result in a 135% increase in
productivity in my department, I may neither take credit,
nor smirk, nor attempt to cast Fire 3 on the boys down in
Security.
41. Star Trek quotes may be amusing to me; however, I may
not announce them over the PA 'for everyone to enjoy'.
42. I am not Han Solo.
43. Swords are NOT allowed at work.
44. I may not wear the official uniform of the First
Mesopelagian Irregulars to work. Ever again.
45. The swimming awards pinned to the front of the uniform
are not war medals, and I may not attempt to pick up Susan
in accounting on that basis.
46. I am not Darth Vader.
47. Therefore I will refrain from announcing in a spectral
voice to the guy in the next cubicle: "Join me, and we
will rule the galaxy together!"
48. Lightsabers aren't real. They're plastic or wooden
toys.
49. Therefore I should not attempt to use "my lightsaber"
to dismember the guy in the next cubicle when he screams:
"No! Never! You're not my father!"
50. Boiling down Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Jolt, Coffee, Tea, and
any similar beverage in order to 'get at the joyous
caffeinated goodness hidden away between all those water
molecules' is not a good idea.
51. As witness the bill from Jacob's rampage through
accounting after he consumed the results.
52. The 'Damsel in Distress' clause does not apply to my
rescuing Susan in accounting from Jacob's mad
caffeine-induced rampage.
53. The boys in Security are not peasants, nor will I
refer to them as such.
54. The managers are not evil. Really.
55. Given that (52) and (53) are true, I may not sweep
Susan off her feet and announce to the boys in Security;
"Arrange the wedding!"
56. I am no longer allowed to talk to Billy-Joe in
Security, who chimed in with "As you require, your
highness!" at that point. Apparently I'm a bad influence.
57. I am not allowed to touch the prototypes without
official permission.
58. The voices in my head do not qualify as official
permission.
59. Apparently (57) refers to official permission from a
MANAGER; the duty cook in the cafeteria does not qualify.
60. Prying all the LED's out of everyone's PCs in order to
make 'a cool shiny glowy thing' is not allowed.
61. Crosswiring the phone lines so I can make the new
guy's phone ring at will is Mental Torment, which is mean.
62. Using the industrial-strength bonding tape in the lab
(which is capable of holding some hundred pounds per
square inch of attached surface) to line Commandant Jones'
office doorframe with is mean. Especially at 4:48 on a
Friday.
63. Shrugging helplessly and grinning is not acceptable
behavior when Commandant Jones starts bashing on the door
and screaming through the little window in it.
64. It was nasty of me to disconnect his phone first. I
won't do that again, either.
65. Swords are NOT ALLOWED AT WORK. Ever.
66. I am not allowed to keep pink flamingoes in my
cubicle.
67 I may like history, but showing up in World War Two
gear and sprinting down the rows of cubicles, throwing
myself into mine, and popping up for a shot at Mr. Jones
is 'taking it too far'.
68. Even if the gun is only loaded with blanks.
69. I must not inhale the gases from the tubes in any neon
signs.
70. Not even if I turn them off first.
71. Screaming "We don't need no stinkin' Arts Majors" is
insensitive. Especially when you're on the local
university campus getting your latest Comp. Sci.
certification.
72. I am not allowed to stand on a chair in the corner of
my cubicle and use my rubber-band gun to take shots at
people as they walk past.
73. When, at 3:00 PM, Commandant Jones asks "Where are YOU
going?" as I try to leave the building, I must remember
that it's a rhetorical question.
74. This means that it's inappropriate to explain to him
that my family has a tradition of signing in at 7 AM so we
can sign out at 3 PM so as to miss the rush.
75. It is doubly inappropriate if my reply contains the
phrase 'idiot air-head managerial ditz' nineteen times.
76. Even if it does look funny, I'm not authorized to
order long-haired fellow employees to 'Get a hearcut,
buddy!'
77. I must memorize the meaning of, and be able to perform
at any time, the act of 'Seperating fantasy from reality'.
78. Or else they'll never lift the restraining order.
79. 'Because it was fun!' is not sufficient reason to
flush a solid roll of toilet-paper down the toilets in the
executive washroom.
80. I may not feed the company's mascot guinea-pig.
81. Specifically, I may not feed him caffeine or
hallucinogens, because when the company mascot guinea-pig
goes on a rampage, it gets ugly.
82. Playing 'Indy 500' in the parking lot after swiping
the keys to Commandant Jones' new Porsche is unkind.
83. Ditto for 'Demolition Derby'.
84. See (81); The 'Damsel in Distress' clause still does
not count when rescuing Susan from accounting from the
guinea-pig.
85. Susan in accounting is not a princess, disregarding
her beauty; her lovely voice and charming manner are the
result of voice lessons and common etiquette, not royal
upbringing.
86. Similarly, Commandant Jones is not a dragon.
87. My name is not Inigo Montoya and I see my father every
weekend when I visit home.
88. SWORDS ARE NOT ALLOWED AT WORK!
89. See (86); he's really not a dragon, no matter how much
he looks like one, and cannot breathe fire.
90. Therefore, the asbestos suit is probably not required.
91. Cutting out a tin-foil gun silhouette and sewing it
into Commandant Jones' suitcase lining just before he
leaves for the airport is wrong. And possibly illegal.
92. Hangliding is fun; so is paintball. Combining the two-
whilst at work- is a bad idea, however.
93. Similarly, paint-filled balloon 'grenades' should not
ever be used indoors.
94. Political telesurveyors are just trying to earn an
honest living like the rest of us. Therefore, do not swear
at them, and treat them with respect and kindness.
95. TeleMARKETERS, on the other hand, are scum. Therefore,
singing a Gilbert and Sullivan duet with Susan in
accounting into the speakerphone is perfectly fair.
96. Transferring them to Commandant Jones' personal line,
however, is mean.
97. 'MECHWARRIOR_4_SERVER' is not an authorized process to
be running on the company's main router.
98. Nor is 'NWN_SERV_1.9282'.
99. I am not allowed to touch soldering irons until I pay
Bob from accounting's medical bill.
100. 'Because he was insulting Susan' does not qualify as
a mitigating circumstance.
101. Replacing Commandant Jones' clothing with a Visa Card
(on the grounds that it's "All you need!") just before he
leaves on a three-day international conference trip is
cruel.
102. "Ha! Banana!" is not an appropriate morning greeting.
Try 'Hello'.
103. Palm Pilots and Death-rays are not, in fact,
'remarkably similar'.
104. Screaming "Warp speed, Lieutenant Cliff!" at the
company chauffeur is not allowed.
105. I am not allowed to talk to Cliff the chauffeur any
more. Apparently I'm a bad influence.
106. My 'Triple-famous hot-sauce mushroom sardine olive
casserole' is a perfectly edible dish. However, I will be
tolerant of the feelings of those who are not fond of
certain ingredients when I serve it at a company pot-luck.
107. Therefore, I will not force-feed it to them, because
this is a bad thing.
108. Especially in Bob from accounting's case. He happens
to be rather allergic to olives.
109. I am therefore not allowed to bring food to company
pot-lucks until I pay his medical bills.
110. Reciting the entire Lord of the Rings, including The
Hobbit and The Silmarillion, takes too long for the talent
show at the company Christmas party.
111. Even if you do it from memory.
112. EVEN if Susan from accounting offers to give up her
spot so you can continue.
113. And it's still too long, apparently, even if you get
Bob's spot 'cause he's at the hospital.
114. I am not allowed to challenge Commandant Jones to
pistols at ten paces, right-of-innocence with short sword,
duels 'To the pain' or any other form of martial
conflict-resolution.
115. Getting Susan from accounting to remove Commandant
Jones from the payroll is very unkind.
116. When the two of us are then put on inventory duty as
punishment, we are not allowed to list Commandant Jones as
'defective surplus' and attempt to sell him.
117. Nor are we allowed to inspire the janitors to conquer
floors 4-18 and hold the executive washroom hostage.
118. Playing "Borg" with the prototypes is not permitted.
Ever.
119. Especially not after Commandant Jones ran away
screaming upon being informed that he was to be
assimilated.
120. I am not the lord of the dance.
121. I may not attempt to prove that I am.
122. I am not allowed to list Zidane Tribal, Squall
Leonhart, Cloud Strife, Ramza Beoulve, Edgar Roni Figaro,
Carth Onasi, Gandalf or Bartz as references.
123. I am not king of the world.
124. Susan from accounting is not, therefore, 'my rightful
queen.'
125. Not even if she agrees.
126. Replacing the executive washroom with a crocodile pit
is not appreciated.
127. I am not the Witch-King of Angmar.
128. My credentials do not include "Two-time savior of the
Republic", "Jedi Master", "Hero of Time" or any similar
things.
129. Asking for time off 'to rescue a princess' is not a
good idea.
130. Not even if Susan agrees again.
131. I am not a ninja.
132. Ords-sway are-ay ot-nay allowed-ay at-ay ork-way.
133. Using the company's file-server as a host for my
personal website is efficient and shows great creativity.
At least, that's what my lawyer said.
134. I am not 'The True and Only King' of the janitors,
and the next time they try to coronate me I'm supposed to
resist.
135. Putting an open can of sardines under Commandant
Jones' chair and using my 'Royal Prerogative' to get the
janitorial staff to leave his ground-floor office window
open is amusing, albeit a big mistake.
136. I should not handle live raccoons without gloves and
prior experience.
137. Commandant Jones' office is a bad place to turn live
raccoons into dead raccoons.
138. In hindsight, however, Commandant Jones' office
worked better than the lobby.
139. I am no longer allowed to swear at Bob from
accounting, nor may I call him an idiot merely because he
opened Commandant Jones' office door without knocking.
140. Apparently I require 'a better reason' to call him an
idiot in any case.
141. I do not control the vertical, I do not control the
horizontal, and you may adjust your monitor if you so
desire.
142. Monitor radiation will not make balding males over 40
glow in the dark, and taunting Commandant Jones in such
fashion is not nice.
143. Even if he is old enough to be her father, I'm not
allowed to discourage Bob in accounting from trying to ask
Susan out.
144. Additionally, using administrator privileges to set
"Ask SUsAn ouT ANd you wILL dIE" as his desktop wallpaper
is immoral and does not count as 'discouraging', but
rather as 'Mental Torment'.
145. I am not allowed to spike the water cooler with
vodka.
146. Just because it's true that Bob from accounting looks
like a dead crow, that's no reason for me to say so out
loud.
147. Over the PA.
148. I am not allowed to hold e-mail hostage any more, and
if I do it again I will lose my administrative access to
the mail-server.
149. Playing Russian Roulette with someone's e-mail and a
bunch of Spam is unkind.
150. Playing Russian Roulette with a Swiss Army Knife and
the tires on Commandant Jones' Porsche is similarly
unkind.
151. Standard lab equipment is a pair of gloves, a
hair-net for those with long hair, a pair of forceps, a
static-avoidance strap and a cordless soldering iron. "A
.45 Colt" is not on this list at any point.
152. Reprogramming Commandant Jones' computer to threaten
his life at random intervals in a grating voice is
immoral, so I can't do that again.
153. I am not a Jedi Knight.
154. Nor Tarzan.
155. The accounts department is not a feudal kingdom,
Susan is not its queen, and Bob is not the court jester-
no matter how well he's suited for the job.
156. I may not address any other employee as "Pad'ner".
Not even if I'm wearing a cowboy hat at the time.
157. Wearing my Authentic Indiana Jones Stetson to work is
perfectly acceptable; however, the argument that the
nine-foot bullwhip is 'Part of the ensemble!' just doesn't
work.
158. I am no longer allowed to address the CEO as "Emperor
Palpatine".
159. If I see Susan from accounting trying to foment
rebellion among the boys in Security, I am not supposed to
help.
160. Personal loyalty note: Susan outranks Commandant
Jones.
161. I should not be surprised when Susan proclaims
herself Queen of the Upper Floors and Empress of Elevator
B. After all, I helped.
162. My official position is 'Software Engineer', not
'Grand Admiral of Queen Susan the Beautiful'.
163. Commandant Jones is not 'the opposition', and I
should not treat him as such. This means that I should
cease booby-trapping his chair.
164. We make specific hardware/software merged components.
Not pie.
165. There are no grues under my desk.
166. When I'm assigned to watch the server room overnight,
I will therefore refrain from looking desperately for a
lantern or an elven sword.
167. A night consists of the period from 7 PM when the
janitorial staff goes home to 8 AM when they arrive. That
is a space of no more than thirteen hours.
168. Though server duty may be lonely and boring, and it's
tempting to believe you've been abandoned, thirteen hours
is not enough time to establish tribal traditions;
therefore swinging a rat's skull on a pole over Jones'
head as he came in was probably going overboard.
169. Commandant Jones' last name is 'Jones', not 'de
Sade', despite all evidence to the contrary.
170. Commandant Jones' position is 'Directing Manager' not
'Doofus'.
171. The boys in Security are not 'minions'.
172. 'Paperclip Bombardment' is not an officially
recognized style of warfare.
173. There are many Christian denominations in this world;
"Slackerite" is not one of them, and therefore I cannot
take 'every day but Tuesday' off for religous reasons.
174. I cannot speak Rodian, and should not attempt it.
175. The Vulcan nerve-pinch doesn't really work, and
therefore cannot help me unofficially extend a deadline.
176. Apparently, whilst company policy does not forbid
romantic feelings towards one's co-workers, offering to
fight all competitors to the death is going overboard (no
matter how much it impressed Susan).
177. When I'm rewarded for exemplary performance, a
straight face is mandatory.
178. Yelling out "Who the heck are you referring to?"
during my performance evaluation is a bad move, especially
if they think I actually do my work.
179. "You made the mess, you clean it up" apparently does
not apply to Commandant Jones and the four-inch mat of
paperwork on his desk.
180. If, in the course of cleaning my boss' desk, I come
across an implementation form for company policy, I should
not, ever, even in jest, insert "Recommend all employees
reduce breathing by 100% of current level."
181. Putting a small tub of warm honey under Commandant
Jones' desk and watching his face as he steps in it isn't
nice.
182. Especially not if I've spent the entire afternoon
inquiring after the location of my 'Yellow irradiated test
substance'.
183. When our plant is playing host to a foriegn
dignitary, and we're playing their national anthem to
impress them, I must not switch the CD with one containing
vulgar, obscene or profane punk rock.
184. "Gollum" is not a suitable role-model.
185. The definition of 'Casual attire' does not include
plate armor.
186. I must not attempt to decieve Commandant Jones into
believing that our new product uses the words 'Game Over'
instead of 'Device Error'.
187. It is not permissible to set company property aflame.
188. Nor is it permissible to set other employees aflame.
189. Setting every event on Commandant Jones' computer to
play Navi the Fairy sounds is unkind.
190. It's almost as bad as setting Bob's computer to swear
at him if he clicks the mouse at any time.
191. My name is not Joe. I do not work in a button
factory. I do not have a wife or a dog, and my family
disowned me long ago. This means that my chants affirming
a contrary position are not required.
192. Just because the new X-Men movie is coming out, I am
not permitted to come to work dressed as Nightcrawler.
193. Nor may Susan arrive for work dressed as Storm merely
because the two of us are going to see the movie after
work.
194. I am not allowed to build web-launchers on company
time, no matter how cool Spider-man is.
195. The company realizes that the 'CONFIDENTIAL' stamp we
have in the lab is fascinating; however, I am no longer
allowed to stamp it on my forehead and then laugh when
Commandant Jones runs an idea by me and asks what I think.
196. My claims notwithstanding, there are lots of spoons.
You can find them in the cafeteria, next to the knives.
197. I am not allowed to have a personal theme song. If I
did, the company objects to my selection of "Mozart's
Requiem, scored to bagpipes".
198. A computer mouse is a pointing device, not an
explosive projectile.
199. I may not mix mud into the company coffeepot, even if
it is my sincere belief that no one would notice a taste
difference.
200. Company dress policy cannot be summed up with the
words "No shirt, no shoes, no problem".
201. It is not permitted to engage in primal scream
therapy on company time.
202. At no point does "Counter-revolutionary" appear in my
job description.
203. The word 'Engfeh', whilst creative, is not a part of
the Enlish language, thus it's an inappropriate response
to well-meaning criticism.
204. Our company motto is not "Carpe Jugulum", nor "Carpe
Gladius", and it certainly isn't "Rex Jones Mortis, Regina
Susan Vitae".
205. Making small talk should not include profanity.
206. My computer is not posessed, no matter how much it
may act like it.
207. Given that (206) is true, "Plunging my fist into the
monitor to physically tear out the evil residing within"
is an over-reaction to programming bugs.
208. I may not sign fellow-employee evaluations as
"Anonymous".
209. Nor "God". This is both fraud and blasphemy.
210. I am not the last surviving member of the
Wannamaykmonee Tribe, and do not qualify for First Nations
benefits.
211. Not even if I wear a feathered head-dress to work.
212. My Palm Pilot is not a datapad, my workstation is not
Rebel High Command, and we are not fighting for our lives
against the Empire.
213. My trash can, whether upside-down or rightside-up, is
not an astromech droid.
214. Switching the elevator muzak for "Three Blind Mice,
scored to Bagpipe and War Drum" is not appreciated.
215. Bob from accounting is not a 'mobile punching bag'.
216. When the company institutes an aerobics policy, it's
unkind of me to refer to it as 'a bunch of overweight
slobs poncing around in tights, which frankly disgusts
me'.
217. Attendance for the aerobics sessions is mandatory,
and my pleas of "No! Please no!" are not required.
218. When only the youngest seven members of staff (self
included) can still stand at the end of the aerobics
session, it's unkind to go through everyone else's pockets
for loose change.
219. It is similarly unkind of me to assume a piratical
accent and proclaim "Thar she blooooooows!" when looking
around the gym.
220. Granted, she finds me amusing and looks good in a
leotard; I still am not permitted to accept proposals
extended to me by Susan from accounting.
221. Nor am I allowed to take her up on her offer to find
me a harpoon; Taunting Commandant Jones in this fashion is
Mental Torment.
222. I am no longer allowed to bring tripwires to work.
223. The prototype testing lab is a bad place to wear a
joy-buzzer.
224. My anti-static wrist-strap is not a kamikaze
headband.
225. Nor may I use it as a leash for Bob from accounting.
226. Inspirational though my 'Rallying the masses' speech
may be, I am not permitted to give it over the PA.
227. Lynch mobs are bad.
228. "Get to it in the morning" means 9:00, not 11:59.
229. Similarly, "Start this afternoon" means when lunch
ends, not thirty seconds before I leave.
230. I may no longer comment on the state of fellow
employees' personal hygiene, no matter how disgusting.
231. 'Formal Dress' is a tuxedo, not 'the jeans without
holes and a clean t-shirt'.
232. I am not telepathic, psychic, prophetic, empathic, or
able to 'make Bob's head explode just by thinking about
it'.
233. Even though I get all my work done early, it's rude
of me to mock those who do not.
234. Specifically, keeping a running count- to the second-
and announcing the current time-to-deadline when I meet
them in the halls could be considered nasty.
235. Putting a pirahna in the company fishtank is bad.
236. Giving Commandant Jones a 28' flatscreen monitor for
his PC is, it seems, 'a privelege of rank, not an abuse of
power'.
237. It is not permitted to replace Commandant Jones'
computer monitor with a cardboard box.
238. And I must give it back, even if he hasn't noticed
yet.
239. Using company servers for Denial of Service attacks
is not a point in my favor, according to my lawyer.
240. I should no longer rally the technicians around me
and turn off the lights as 'a tyranny against our eyes'.
241. My computer monitor is not an adequate light source.
242. If I find a fellow employee's appearance amusing,
'point and laugh' is the wrong response.
243. Monitors are explosive if handled incorrectly.
244. I may not punt a prototype out a ninth-floor window
because 'the stupid thing wouldn't work!'.
245. There is no such thing as 'Compulsive Boss-Whacking
Disorder', and I may not use it as an excuse for my
actions.
246. Stealing computer equipment from other employees in
order to turn my cubicle into 'a cocoon of technology' is
not permitted.
247. I may not attempt to graft the latest prototypes onto
my body in an attempt to become The Borg.
248. The correct procedure upon ensuring that the latest
build of a program works is not 'the hula-hopping shouty
dance of triumph'.
249. No baboons in the hallway.
250. Canada Day does not involve blood sacrifices at
midnight, and I am not allowed to mislead my co-workers
from other countries into thinking that it does.
251. The correct form of address for your direct superior
in the company is not 'Yo'.
252. Using PDAs, Cordless or Cell Phones, and pagers as
skeet is not permitted.
253. It is impossible to become intoxicated from drinking
water (assuming that (145) has been observed).
254. 'Because it's fun to watch him thrash' is not an
excuse for concealing electrodes in the seat of Bob's
chair.
255. I cannot sight-read binary.
256. It's immoral to tell new employees that, in order to
prove they're bilingual, they'll have to program in
Swahili for three weeks.
257. I do not, in fact, have 'quasi-mystical technological
powers', and should stop claiming that I do.
258. Just because my job description does not include
'Technical support' is no reason to attempt to strangle a
manager with his own tie.
259. Hot sauce does not improve the flavor of coffee.
260. Switching all regular coffee for decaf in order to
watch half the employees fall asleep is not funny. Or so
I'm told.
261. Just because Commandant Jones' degree is in 'Chipmunk
Rescuology' is not a valid reason to protest that he can't
be my supervisor.
262. "Gathering your secrets to sell to your rivals" is a
bad thing to put under 'Objective' on your resume.
263. I am not one of the Maia.
264. Superglue and shoe-soles do not mix.
265. Apparently my obvious good looks, charm, genius and
many other positive qualities are recognized only by Susan
and the janitors.
266. It is not required that I consult my lawyer before
speaking to the security guard at the front door.
267. The boys in Security are not 'Communazi pigs'.
268. Ethernet cabling is not garrote wire, nor may I use
it as such.
269. A T1 line should not be an object of worship.
270. 'They' are not out to get me; therefore I do not in
fact NEED to be able to navigate the entire building
through the air ducts. This is, at best, a peripheral
skill. Additionally, noting little-seen areas in which a
body may be concealed is not a life skill.
271. It is not possible to build a force field and I
should not attempt this.
272. Even the superstitious do not believe that
poltergeists can inhabit one's keyboard.
273. I am not permitted to blame programming errors on the
'typo demons'.
274. Gremlins do not exist and are therefore not hiding in
our server room.
275. A nosebleed is not an excuse to re-enact The Sign of
Scarlet in the server room.
276. I may not ritually blind myself after seeing
Commandant Jones in a Speedo at the company annual beach
party.
277. It may be true, but I am still not permitted to refer
to my boss as 'That poor misguided fool'.
278. I am not a 'Wall Removal Contractor' and knocking
holes in Commandant Jones' office wall is therefore not my
job.
279. I am not Captain Jack Sparrow, no matter how much I
may in fact wish to be.
280. Similarly, I am not Mozart.
281. "Beating Up Yankees Day" is not and has never been a
national holiday of Canada.
282. The cold winds and dark storms will not answer to my
call, no matter how impressive my stance and tone.
283. Interns are not 'self-motivated paperweights'.
284. The Pepsi machine in the lobby will not accept
doubloons, pieces of eight, Loonies, Toonies, or
Mesopelagian Sh'rafs.
285. I am not allowed to launch a forty-minute speech
about how the United States is a horrible place merely
because (284) is true.
286. I must remember that I am a guest in a foriegn
country, and that mocking their 'monochrome money' would
be rude.
287. The intern did not follow me home intentionally, and
I may not keep him.
288. Bob's official title is 'Senior Staff Accountant in
Charge of Culinary Matters', not 'Coffee Geezer'.
289. There are many good reasons to go home early, such as
illness. "Because it's Thursday!" is not a good reason.
290. "Boom-swatii-OOSH!" is not a proper answer to a
simple yes or no question.
291. I am not an Elf, a Ranger, a Dwarf, a Numenorean, a
Man of Gondor, or a Hobbit of any description.
292. If I run over someone's foot in the parking lot, the
proper response is to call the authorities, not to back up
for another try.
293. Considering the fact that hockey is not as popular in
the United States, it is unlikely that my boss will allow
me time off to watch the Playoffs.
294. I may not attempt to recreate Lord of the Flies in
the office. Prohibited activities thus include crashing an
aircraft into the office building, bringing pigs in from
the wild and trying to beat Bob from accounting to death
with a rock.
295. Blackmail is unbecoming, and those photos of
Commandant Jones in his Speedo at the picnic should be
returned to him.
296. A handshake does not consist of grinding someone's
knuckles together.
297. Life is not required to be fair.
298. I may not bring an arc-welder to work.
299. Not since I welded Commandant Jones' car doors shut.
300. I may not fire my boss, no matter how much he
deserves it.
301. Coffee may indeed be 'a perversion of the true path
to glorious awakeness', but that doesn't give me liberty
to fill all the coffee-pots with tea.
302. Mountain Dew is not radioactive and I should not tell
Bob that it is.
303. Growling is not a form of communication, no matter
how many successive graveyard shifts I've pulled.
304. Large sticks are not used in the repairing of
computer technology. Ever.
305. I should not visit nearby construction sites during
my lunch hour. If I do, I am no longer allowed to
fraternize with the workers.
306. A forklift is not an appropriate vehicle to drive to
work.
307. Nor a crane.
308. Just because I can use the crane to get into my
sixth-floor cubicle without using the elevator or the
doors does not mean that I should do so.
309. I am not to draw a bulls-eye on the wall outside
Commandant Jones' office when my construction-worker
buddies are playing Truth or Dare.
310. Wrecking balls are more massive than flimsy
poured-concrete walls, and this is an experiment I will
never again repeat.
311. Just because soccer players wear shin-pads does not
mean they wish to be kicked in the shins. Some can get
quite upset. Like Commandant Jones at the latest company
picnic.
312. I am not a modem wrangler.
313. It was my own fault that I smashed the new prototype
against the wall. My 'superior officer, Commander Carth'
had nothing to do with it.
314. There are no good reasons to paint one's forehead
blue.
315. My Gameboy is not a 'portable display readout', and
has no connection with our prototype.
316. I am no longer allowed to dance in the stairwells.
317. I am not allowed to conduct 'shatter-resistancy'
tests with our circuit boards.
318. I may not attempt to evade the law of gravity.
319. Quietly humming the Star Wars Theme... into the PA
microphone... twelve times... is not allowed.
320. Cubicles are not giant trash cans and should not be
used in such a fashion.
321. A flak jacket is not casual dress.
322. Even on server-room watch at 2 AM, it's still a
misuse of company time to play strip poker with Susan from
accounting.
323. I may not attempt to fix problems with our internet
connection by threatening the ISP's staff with
dismemberment.
324. I am not allowed to attempt to flood the basement, no
matter how much I like The Phantom of the Opera.
325. I am not an angel of music, and there is no one named
Christine in this building.
326. Stewed Poison Ivy is not ethnic cuisine, and I should
not feed it to Bob.
327. I am not required to kill my cafeteria food before I
eat it. Contrary to appearances, it's already dead.
328. Neon blue is not a color which appears in nature;
therefore it is safe to assume that any cafeteria food
this color should be avoided.
329. Using my knife to fence against the entree is not
amusing.
330. It's even worse when I lose.
331. Bob has a nervous disorder; this means that rasping
'Time to die, maggot...' then pretending I didn't say
anything is not a good idea.
332. Clowns are really not evil, so I should not ever
again feed one his own 'bulbous, mis-shapen, ugly evil
shining red nose'.
333. The mascots are not, in fact, out to get me.
334. It is not appropriate to put subliminal messages into
the company newsletter.
335. Bringing Shiela, my nine-inch tarantula, to work may
upset my co-workers, so I can't do that any more.
336. That is, I couldn't do that any more if I found her.
She sort of escaped.
337. Classical literature is good. However, there are
certain passages within Dante- that is, most of his work-
that one should not quote.
338. Over the PA.
339. Setting up the PA to run a feedback loop in vengeance
for their suspending your announcement privileges is
similarly not allowed.
340. Terry Pratchett does not, apparently, count as
Classical literature.
341. When asked for a suggestion for a company activity,
"Cage wrestling" is not a response which will work.
342. Poking the voices in my head with a Q-tip will not,
in fact, make them be quiet.
343. Neither will screaming "Cease thy noise, infidel
dog!".
344. Of course, this may have some interesting
side-effects if it happens during a department meeting.
345. Whilst Commandant Jones is speaking.
346. A 'romantic evening' with Susan is not the same thing
as taking graveyard shift in the server room. Similarly,
diagnostic LEDs do not, in fact, 'look just like
candle-light'.
347. "Die, pig!" is not a good way to address the
company's president.
348. I must remember when speaking to my boss about
computers to explain that, when I say 'he needs more
memory' I am referring to his computer.
349. Any resemblance between Commandant Jones and the
Grinch is, at best, superficial.
350. I am not The Last Starfighter.
351. Dustbunnies, despite the name, are not edible.
352. Maniacal laughter is not a career.
353. I am not allowed to modify my optical mouse so it
functions as a working laser cannon.
354. The office building does not need more entrances, and
I am not qualified to provide them.
355. 'Homebrew skylights' are a bad idea as well.
356. Paperclips are not a form of currency.
357. This means that I should stop feeding them into the
Pepsi machine in the lobby.
358. 'Business optional dress' does not mean what you'd
think.
359. I am not 'chanelling the noble spirit of Carth
Onasi'. That means that, unlike him, I may not shoot
things which annoy me.
360. Boredom is not considered a life-threatening
condition, which means that I may not undertake 'drastic
measures' to fix it.
361. It also means that the 'Damsel in Distress' clause
still does not apply if I make Susan's day more
interesting.
362. I may not modify the company newsletter so the motto
becomes the Latin version of "Kick 'Em While They're
Down".
363. Making a giant domino effect with the modular cubicle
walls is 'destructive, useless, arrogant, and a waste of
company time', even if it gets me on TV.
364. Playing cubicle volleyball is frowned upon by the
administration.
365. My boss does not speak l33t.
366. Post-it Notes are not a building material.
367. Nor are they edible.
368. Nor, as Bob discovered, can they be used as surrogate
body armor.
369. Technically, office furniture is not meant to be used
as candles.
370. Therefore, bringing Susan a plate of cafeteria food
and setting Bob's office on fire with a flamethrower does
not count as a candle-light dinner.
371. I am never again to bring my home-made flamethrower
to work.
372. Being able to make a short-range flamethrower using
Bob's lighter, some of the powdered sugar people put in
their coffee, and a can of compressed air is not a career
skill.
373. Fire extinguishers really are a marvel of modern
technology.
374. Post-it Note Body Armor does not stand up well
against a short-range flamethrower.
375. I may not attempt to build a taser from our prototype
components.
376. Lighter fluid doesn't improve the taste of coffee
after all. Who would have guessed?
377. I may never again replace Commandant Jones' decaf
with Espresso.
378. I must double-check the can I am using to clean out
the inside of a computer. 'Compressed Air' is good.
'E-Z-Whip' is bad.
379. Forcing Bob to lick off the inside of the computer is
not only mean, it's unhygenic.
380. Commandant Jones is wrong. Smiling does not improve
every situation. During a game of strip poker, for
instance, it can be positively counterproductive.
381. It is not now and has not ever been law anywhere in
North America that workers are entitled to sleep during
office hours if they feel so inclined.
382. However, it's still mean of me to wake Bob up by
screaming a battle cry into his ear.
383. Woad does not now and has not ever appeared on the
list of acceptable business attire.
384. Apparently a katana still counts as a sword, and I
may not bring it to work either.
385. My job description does not include "Defending
Susan's honor". The only way that will ever be in my job
description is if I marry her.
386. Even if (385) comes true, I am still required to
avoid bloodshed in the server room.
387. Apparently, using 'that freaky little smile where I
know you're absolutely furious and ready to kill me but
you're smiling like you're watching a butterfly or
something' is Mental Torment.
388. The proper function of our current prototype is not
'to run electric currents through the user's body unless
they match a rigorous identification profile'.
389. I am very responsible. Usually for destruction.
390. The customers are not infidels, Mac users are not
heathen, and I may not ever at any time declare a third
Crusade.
391. I may not attempt to decieve any more of my
co-workers into believing I'm a vampire.
392. I may not build a missile-launching system in the
elevator shaft.
393. I am capable of speaking English and will do so in
the future, as my co-workers do not all know German.
394. There are no prophecies concerning me, and I will
never again say that there are.
395. The people at 911 should not know my voice.
396. Tying Bob to the lightning rod because 'he needs a
short, sharp shock to snap him back to reality' is bad.
397. Coffee is not 'rat poison', and I should not refer to
it as such, nor may I include 'more of the same'.
398. "Office Commando" is not an official position.
399. There is similarly no need for 'Black Ops' in the
building. At any time.
400. A 486 PC with a 16-color 10-inch monitor does not
officially qualify as a doorstop.
401. I may not use the projection screen in the meeting
room to watch the Lord of the Rings movies.
402. My father's name is not Arathorn and Susan's surname
is not Undomiel.
403. I am no longer allowed to bungee off the roof.
404. All cafeteria privileges have been denied to me
following the Potato Accident.
405. Lightning rods are not toys.
406. Optical disk drives- such as CD or DVD-ROMs- contain
lasers. I am no longer allowed to request the right to
salvage obsolete PCs.
407. I must not burn my initials into the ceiling in any
part of the building.
408. The sprinkler system does not require maintenance.
409. If a lab fire occurs, I am to reach for the provided
extinguisher, not stare mesmerized into the flames.
410. Commandant Jones cannot understand aural C code, and
I should not use it when speaking to him.
411. Reprogramming telephone buttons is wrong.
412. I am not James Bond.
413. I am not a qualified sniper.
414. I may not attempt to prove that I am a qualified
sniper.
415. "Booyah" is not an English word.
416. Internet technicians are not what I said they were,
and I should not use such terms in my workplace.
417. Starting a 'Net Techie Smackdown!' is not an
appropriate response to a loss of internet connectivity,
no matter how good it may feel.
418. The ISP's staff are not all scum-sucking sons of
biscuit-snatchers, and I don't really hope they die slowly
and screaming.
419. At least, not very much.
420. Caffeine may be addictive, but I am expected to
excersise control over my own actions; this means that
beating up my boss and stealing his wallet so I can buy a
can of Pepsi is not considered an 'irresistible
compulsion'.
421. Telling my boss that the webcam included with his PC
is the Hypnotic Eye of Odin and that Dell is going to
steal all his memories- while amusing- is wrong.
422. The RIAA hates me personally for buying songs they
had anything to do with.
423. The RIAA hates me personally for downloading songs
they had nothing to do with.
424. My PC is not sentient. This means that it does not
'help me out' with things; it is also not responsible for
'maliciously changing my code so nothing works'.
425. The RIAA just hates me personally.
426. Even if Commandant Jones sets his password to
'jones', it's not my responsibility to improve office
computer security.
427. In other words, playing around with his computer
system is wrong and I should never again set a Barney the
Dinosaur theme on his desktop.
428. My job description does not include 'Wide Area
Network Information Archival Systems Coordinator and Data
Verifcation'. This means that I do not in fact get paid
for saving my favorite parts of the internet onto my
computer.
429. None of the Employee Aptitude Tests has a question to
which the proper answer is 'Burn it'.
430. Nor 'Kill them all'.
431. I may not set about the Dell salesman with a blunt
object screaming "Eat this, DUDE!"
432. Especially when the blunt object is Commandant Jones'
chair.
433. Commandant Jones says that I am not allowed to
associate with Susan from accounting until the medical
bills are paid.
434. This is because, inspired by me, she also started
beating the Dell salesman with a blunt object.
435. Commandant Jones, in fact.
436. Playing Truth or Dare with the boys in Security is
fun.
437. Especially when the dare is 'Organize an insurrection
to take over this office building'.
438. If I am ever promoted to management, I must find a
way to earn a demotion BEFORE my brain melts. "Shiny
colors, preeeeeeetty..." is not how I want to think.
439. The employees in my project group may recognize me as
their ruler, but that does not give me the right to order
beheadings.
440. Nor may I in fact banish people to the cafeteria for
the rest of their days.
441. The company procedures manual does not cover what to
do in the event of a small thermonuclear explosion within
the building.
442. I am never again to take advantage of that fact.
443. Bob is not supposed to glow in the dark.
444. There are no applications for mortal combat in my
workplace.
445. No matter how much I wish there were.
446. Water balloons are toys, and not to be used by
'mature, responsible people, unlike you, you little
freak'.
447. Nor are water balloons indoor toys.
448. Running up and down the hallways screaming "Fire,
fire!" is reserved for occasions when there are open
flames and the automatic fire alarm systems fail to
activate.
449. One nine-inch female tarantula can begin an
infestation.
450. Putting salt into the water cooler is mean.
451. Coming in to work dressed in a kimono in order to
confuse my employer is not funny.
452. Hallowe'en is the only day of the year it is even
marginally appropriate to come to work in costume.
453. Protests that a three-person powered battle suit is
ethnic dress will be summarily quashed.
454. 'Mario Kart' is not an accurate reflection of the
real world, and I may not use my experience with it to
give Cliff the chauffeur driving tips.
455. This means that advising him to wear blue overalls
and a red hat was not helpful.
456. See (453)- Taking Susan and Cliff and conquering the
local McDonald's is fun.
457. I may not hold Commandant Jones' Big Mac with Cheese
hostage.
458. I may not juggle chainsaws while at work.
459. Nor may I juggle the prototypes, no matter how
confident I am in my skills.
460. Smoking is unhealthy.
461. Especially when Bob drops his cigarette butt into a
garbage can containing paperwork and cleaning solution.
462. Third-degree burns are not a subject of amusement.
463. My deadline will not go away if I close my eyes.
464. Explosions on the job-site are for mining. Or special
effects filming. Sometimes demolitions. Not computer
sciences.
465. Telling Commandant Jones that his computer had 'a
subspace etheric inteference error' was mean.
466. So was telling him that he could fix it with a new
extruder swap relay.
467. Sony does not make extruder swap relays. There is no
such component.
468. Therefore, I should have stopped Commandant Jones
before he tried to phone in and order one.
469. Convincing him I could get him one off the black
market for $500 if he'd do me a favor and give me the rest
of the day off to procure it was evil.
470. Convincing him that he couldn't do any work until I
installed the extruder swap relay was mean.
471. I am not allowed to accept proposals from Susan in
accounting for managing to get Commandant Jones to go home
at 10:28 AM on a Friday.
472. It was probably unethical of me to use five hundred
dollars of Commandant Jones' money to take Susan out for a
limo ride and dinner at an Italian restaurant.
473. Possibly, however, not as unethical as coming back to
work, plugging Jones' PC back in, and leaving a note
saying I'd gotten the new relay installed and running.
474. Screaming is not an appropriate response when I'm
assigned a project.
475. 'Blood-curdling', 'Multiple' and 'Ambulance' are bad
words to have associated with myself.
476. When a background check causes a prospective employer
to go into cardiac arrest, it's time to invent my sixth
alias.
477. "Bad Bob, no cookie" is not an effective
discouragement. It is, however, wildly amusing.
478. Especially when it works.
479. The potted plants in the lobby are not offensive
weaponry.
480. Being able to defenestrate a two-hundred-fifty pound
man is not required in my job.
481. I may not bring my sound system in from home and use
bass riffs to knock over small items in the office.
482. Ball lightning is not 'shiny and glowy and sparkly
and happy and fun'. It is dangerous.
483. My vital statistics should not include the number of
mideival weapons I am proficient with.
484. It still does.
485. My sword-fighting abilities should not attract
fangirls.
486. Well, maybe Susan. No one else.
487. I cannot in fact feel the internet pulsing through me
in a near-physical way, and that means that, if the
internet connection goes down, I will retain my
vocabulary. It will not magically become limited to the
word 'Gone'.
488. No matter how cool the idea may be, voice control for
a computer rarely works well. And screaming variants on
'Shut Down' can occasionally be embarassing.
489. Drool and keyboards do not mix.
490. I may not spike the coffee with vodka either.
491. I may not use alcohol-based cleansers on prototypes
which are currently recieving power.
492. Flash fires are NOT fun.
493. I am not allowed to let Billy-Joe from Security near
any prototype which might possibly be explosive. Ever
again.
494. It's understood he was being a jerk. However, I am
not allowed to push Bob through walls because he cannot
differentiate between me administering first aid to Susan
and 'playing doctor'.
495. It's not funny to hang a mannequin with red
food-coloring splashed on it on the back of Commandant
Jones' office door.
496. Nor may I spend the rest of the day asking where my
friend James went.
497. I may not apply for a raise on the grounds that it
will help keep me sane.
498. They already know it's too late for that.
499. I may not use the janitors to stage a 'real hostile
takeover' of the company next door.
500. Intravenous Caffeine only SOUNDS like a good idea. |
_________________
Counselor Faith Tempest
Medic Guru
hr-faith@haelrahv.com
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." -- Bilbo Baggins --
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Apatheticloser
outcast
Joined: 02 Oct 2005
Posts: 166
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| Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 5:52 am Post subject: |
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| heh, that was pretty funny. |
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tygerwulf
Teh Pink Assassin.
Joined: 06 Jul 2003
Posts: 1189
Location: Hiding right behind you, Don't look!
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| Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 2:40 pm Post subject: |
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I've only read the first 165, but I'll read the rest later. Preferably somewhere where vomiting from laughter is more acceptable. They frown on that in the school computer lab.
_________________
>ask librarian about books
An elderly librarian says, "I don't know much about that, I'm afraid." |
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