someting funny

[Tao]

A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but had to borrow the money from the bank to do so. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complained that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows.
The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returned to see if the vet had helped.
The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows too!"
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?".
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of tasted like
peppermint."
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

John is waiting to cross the street when a blind man approaches
with his guide-dog. The sign lights to cross and instead of helping
his owner to cross, the dog raises his rear leg an pees on the man's pants. The man reaches in his pocket and gives the dog a cookie.
John is amazed and tells the man, "If it were my dog I would have kicked his ass!"
The man calmly answers, "I'm going to. But I need to find the
head first."
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you", said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the next day with a banana and a cookie.
The doctor says "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants and bends over. The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consults his watch, our hero dances around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm", advises doc.
Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies with the order to bend over again. The doctor takes the cookie and rams IT up the patients ass.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie", says the doctor.
The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head.Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana, waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie.
After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says "Well,
tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer", confirmed the doctor.
The last day the doctor says "Okay, you know the routine".
So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the doctor looks at his watch and picks up the hammer. One minute passes.
Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass. Then a little head pokes out the patients ass.
"WHERE'S MY COOKIE?"
*********WHAM*********
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

INTEROFFICE MEMO

TO: All Office Personnel
FROM: Management
SUBJECT: Streaking

IN VIEW OF NUMEROUS INQUIRIES DEPARTMENT HEADS HAVE HAD AS TO COMPANY POSITION ON "STREAKING" THE MANAGEMENT HAS ADOPTED THE FOLLOWING REGULATIONS:

Streaking will be permitted ONLY as follows:

Female employees will streak on odd days - males on even days.
On payday, all employees may streak, subject to the following:

Girls who have tattoos on the lower half of their bodies, such
as "sock it to me" or "what you see is what you get" will not be
permitted to streak, due to inspection regulations.

Men with tattoos, such as "let it all hang out" will not be
permitted to streak. Also, men with tattoos of butterflies,
roses, or elves will streak with females.

Junior executives may carry their brief cases while streaking;
however, the usual rule applies -- Junior executives may never
carry any business papers, but may carry the usual, such as
Kleenex, lunch, wife's shopping list, and Playboy magazines.

Girls with bust size larger than 36B must wear a bra while in
file area, or around any xerox machines. Girls smaller than
36B should not try to impress people by wearing a bra.

If you streak in any area where food is served, you must wear
two hair nets. These will be available in the vending machine
by the cafeteria.

In the event your physical make-up is such your sex cannot be
determined, such as flat chest for girls, or long hair on boys,
you must wear a tag stating "I am a boy" or "I am a girl". Tags
will be attached on girls with hair pin or paper clip; on boys
with rubber band. Please return paper clips and rubber bands
to stationary supplies after you finish streaking.

Girls may wear jewelry while streaking, but in no event should
they bend over to retrieve it should it fall (Due to insurance
regulations).

No female beyond her seventh month of pregnancy, or those wishing to become pregnant, may streak.

No mixed streaking in dark hallways, broom closets, or under desks.
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I
get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's
been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so
grouchy!"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace."

Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly...."MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.

So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need anyone," they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime anything." "We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job." He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00. "How in the world did you do that," they asked. "I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime." "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him."Whats that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." He was gone about 8 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's.""Thats good," they said, "but whats in those two buckets?""Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

There once was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! "Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate. "First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties. A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops! "Captain, captain, what should we do?" "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties.That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. "It`s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear." A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy`s armada were approaching! "Captain, captain, we`re in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate...bring me my brown pants!"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a
pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a
container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none
may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying "It is a
vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects"
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how shit happens.
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

The challenge for you is to read this without laughing because we've all had thoughts of going to the gym to get "in shape" . I'm already in "a" shape, I just don't like it.

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Alhough I am still in great shape since playing on my highschool softball team, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me...He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air --then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. Bring on tomorrow.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other stuff too.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late. It took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me
to work out with dumbbells.. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that sadistic man Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't HAVE any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the idiotic barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


Saturday:

That little idiot Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly, awful voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I couldn't move and I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the stupid Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the JERK) will choose a gift for me that is fun ---
like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits
down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress,
who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help
the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man,
who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the
container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to
bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before,
rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the
cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a
plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her
bosom because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns
to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want
in your coffee?" The man says, "Two's fine." She reaches into
her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup.
"And cream?" she asks.The man looks at her, squarely in the
eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!?!"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant
unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen.
While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza.
The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes
when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. As if the Health
Inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation
writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough
and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing
up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger.
The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and
pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and
bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and
explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.
"That's nothing," said the manager, "you should come back at
five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"


Time to make the donuts! Heh
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker,the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they have one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Subject: JOB INTERVIEW



A manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"


Acknowledging the first man on his right....the man replied,

"A THOUGHT!!! It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing that I know of."


"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.


"And now you sir?" He asked the second man.


"Hmm.... let me see. A BLINK!!! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."


"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye...that's a very popular cliché for speed."


He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.


"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."


The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.


The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known to man is DIARRHOEA."


"WHAT?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.


"Oh I can explain." Said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants!


HE GOT THE JOB !
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Sex lives

Four women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their sex lives.

The first woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it."

The second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he wants to do is examine it."

The third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it."

A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, "My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore the hell out of it, and he has been working on it ever since."
_________________
Lick or Be Licked