someting funny

[Tao]

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds
his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that
you're not wearing any pants?" His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."

Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on
Grandpa?"

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat
outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your
grandma's idea."
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to tech him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the hell are you?!" the man asks.

"I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says...
"Those little bastards!"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.
Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.
"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has a
particular strain of gonorrhoea that I have only heard of once before."
The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"
"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an orienteering
weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map reading skills
and they'd become separated from from the other members of their team.
All they knew was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub. 'The
Wee Stump Inn'. They trudged through the woods for hours hopelessly lost
until they came to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They
couldn't agree on which path to try. Eventually they decide to take one
path each. They shake hands and resolve that last man back to the pub
will pay for the drinks. Four hours later, the bloke that chose the
correct fork is sitting snug at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint,
when his mate staggers in. He's cut, bleeding, battered and bruised as
if he's been mugged by a rugby scrum. Once they've got the 'victim'
settled, he explains how he'd gone around in circles for ages until he
heard the sound of an idling car engine. He made right for the sound and
found a motor in a clearing at the end of what looked like a 'lovers'
lane'. The car was all steamed up and he couldn't see who was inside but
he could hear more than one voice. Realising he could ask for directions
he approached the driver's door. The exec then told the assembled crowd
that the guy in the car had obviously been an absolute psychopath,
cause, as soon as he'd knocked at the car window and asked, "How far is
the Wee Stump Inn?" he jumped out the car and beat seven shades of shit
out of him!!!
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

The United States spent $200,000.00 and two years studying why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. After two years the researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft simply for a mans pleasure.

The Germans did not think the Americans conducted an accurate study so they did the same study except spent $300,000.00 and three years. After three years they determined that the head of a mans penis is larger than the shaft simply for womans pleasure.

Now the Polish did not believe that the Germans or the Americans had any clue as to what they were studying. So the Polish did a study of their own and spent $400.00 and four weeks and concluded that the head of a mans penis was there so his hand would not slip off and hit him in the forehead.
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man's penis goes through three phases ..

In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch,flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

What did one gay sperm say to the other?

I can't find my way through all this shit.
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering pre-schoolers/teenagers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

This next one is for Arden. We all miss ya. Hope ya come back soon.

The seven dwarves visit Rome and are invited to take an
audience with the pope.
After a prayer the pope tells them to ask questions.
Dopey: " Can we ask any question we like?"
Pope: "Yes, certainly."
Dopey : "Are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
Pope: " No I don't believe there are."
Dopey : " Well are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
Pope :" No I'm afraid not Dopey."
Meanwhile the other dwarves start to snicker,
Dopey:" Are there any dwarf nuns in the World?"
Pope :"No I'm afraid not, I don't believe we have any
dwarven nuns in the world."
Now the other dwarves are rolling about on the floor
chanting "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!!
DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!!"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

The governor is touring a mental hospital, and becomes curious about a certain patient. The patient is reclining on his bed, reading the Wall Street Journal, and is wearing nothing but a silk top hat. So the govornor knocks politely, whereupon the patient stands, makes a short bow from the waist, and says, "Sir, I perceive you are a man of importance, and you must be curious as to why I lie here in the nude."
"Well, yes," says the governor, "The question had crossed my mind."
"It is no great mystery," says the patient. "This room is climate controlled and maintained at a constant and comfortable temperature, and is, for the most part, quite private. Since clothing is therefore not needed for modesty, warmth, or adornment, why bother with it at all?"
"I see," says the governor, taken aback by the patient's obvious rationality.
"But in that case, why the top hat?"
The patient shrugs and says, "Oh, well, someone might drop by..."
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Dante]

_________________
Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!

[Tao]

Things you don't want to hear during surgery...

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Damn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

"What do you mean you want a divorce?"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them are to get
a vasectomy.
The nurse comes into the room & tells both men, "Strip and
put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have
your procedures done.".
A few minutes later she returns & reaches into one mans gown
and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?"
To which she replies "We have to vacate the sperm from your
system to have a clean procedure."
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows
her to complete her task. After she is through, she proceeds
to the next man. She starts to fondle the man as she had the
previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give
him oral sex.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it
that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?"
The nurse simply replies, "That is the difference between an
HMO and Complete Coverage.".
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[PSOUZA]