someting funny

[Tao]

True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to
have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's --Dress,
and began to take off her
underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was
in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's
anterior chest wall.
Big breaths," I
instructed. Yes, they used to be,"
remorsefully
replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


One day I had to be the bearer
of bad news when I told
a wife that her
husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family
that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada



I was performing a complete physical,
including the
visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty
feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read
the 20/20 line perfectly.
Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both,"
I requested. There
was silence. He
couldn't even read the
large E on the top line. I
turned and discovered that
he had done exactly what
I had asked; he was standing
there with both his
eyes covered. I was laughing
too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week
follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble
with one of his
medications. Which one?"
I asked. The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a
new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had
him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


While acquainting myself with
a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have
you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete
confusion she answered
Why, not for about twenty years
-- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his
residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover
his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom
he was performing this
exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up
from his work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor,
but the song you were
whistling was 'I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name
_________________
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[Tao]

Mrs. Moscowitz is sitting in front of her builcing with her friend Sadie. They see Mrs. Moskcowitz' husband coming home, carrying a bunch of flowers.
Mrs. Moscowitz says, "Oh, no, here comes Bernie with flowers, I'm going to have to spend all night on my back with my legs in the air"
Sadie looks at her and asks "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
_________________
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[Tao]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

A salesman was driving down the road one day when he saw a sign: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He followed the arrow to a small farmhouse and got out to investigate.
He was met on the porch by an old farmer in a rocking chair with an old hound at his feet.

"Does that dog really talk?" asked the salesman.

"Yep" was the farmer's simple reply.

"Do you really talk?" the salesman jokingly asked the dog.

"Yep." replied the dog.

"WOW!" exclaimed the salesman, "That's Incredible! What's your story, dog?"

The hound cleared his throat and began his tale: "Well, when they first discovered I could talk, the C.I.A. was greatly interested.
They hired me to go overseas meetings with the President and the Ambassadors.
When my V.I.P. had to go to the restroom or leave the room, my job was to sit around and see what the other leaders said behind his back.
I was able to retrive information this way that nobody else could have gotten.
That got kinda boring, so I eventually moved on to the Bomb Squad.
I sniffed out some huge drug busts, found and diffused a few bombs, and saved a lot of lives.
But alas, dogs age faster than humans, so eventually I just retired and made my way here to the farm to settle down and have some puppies."

The salesman was awestruck. "What an amazing tale, how much do you want for such an incredible dog?"

The old farmer just looked disgusted and said: "Ten Dollars."

Reaching for his wallet already, the salesman had to ask: "10 bucks? Why so little for such an amazing animal?"

The farmer just chuckled and said: " 'Cause he's a goddamn liar, he never did any of that shit!"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[PSOUZA]

----------------------------------
How to shower like a woman:
----------------------------------
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




------------------------------
How to shower like a man
------------------------------

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, leave light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.
_________________
GameDirector Exxy, GD-Exxy@eaxia.com
Owner/Producer, Eaxia Online
Eaxia Online, an adventure unlike any other...

Eaxia Online is a product of the Role-Players Gaming Network.

[Tao]

LOL. Nice one. You forgot scratching your balls before scartching the butt, then smelling your fingers. ewee. heh.
_________________
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[Tao]

Heh. This one gets me everytime I read it. LOL.

Ron is sitting in a bar having a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him, licks its finger and sticks it in the Ron's ear. He's a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything. The next thing he knows, the alien does it again. This time the Ron tells him to quit. Five minutes later, it happens again. This time he yells at him to stop. Ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. Finally, he jumps up and screams, " If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!". The alien thinks about it for a second, and does it again. Ron jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! In frustration Ron asks, "How do you screw?!!"
The alien smiles and sticks his finger in the Ron's ear.
_________________
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[Tao]

Pete, a very proper man started going into the neighbor hood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist, Jim felt he had to say something to Pete. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?" Pete looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!" So, Jim, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?" Pete answered, "I feed them to my poodle. This way when she goes to the bathroom, she'll shit in little plastic baggies."
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you
went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him
before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like
a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining.
And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes
me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car..... a limousine
even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....
Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you
Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are
coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely
crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two
times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress!"
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Bee Problem


A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a bee buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the bee was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the bee.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

$100 Poker

Two couples were playing cards when John accidentally drops some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that his buddies wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admitted that, well, yes, he did.

She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, John says that he's interested.

She tells him that since her hubby works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that he should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday comes and John goes to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left.

When her hubby Bill comes home He ask's his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"

Now she thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."

"Good," says Bill. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."
_________________
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[Tao]

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Little Johnny.

"Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
_________________
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[Tao]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket
and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that
they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man
standing right behind him, so he added,
"And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here.
"Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied,
"No shit??? Who did she play for?"
_________________
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[Tao]

What is it about the navy and submarines that women love so much?

The concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
*~~~~~~~~~~~*
McDonald's has come out with a new burger named in honor of Michael Jackson.
The McMichael Burger...!"
A 45 year old piece of meat between 8 year old buns..."
_________________
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