someting funny

[Tao]

Dear Management,

I, Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.

- Penis

Dear Mr Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before age 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags which are full when you enter and empty when you leave... very odd.

Sincerely,
The Management
_________________
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[Tao]

Got To Pee

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"

"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."
_________________
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[Tao]

1 If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

2 If you cannot get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

3 Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

4 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

6 Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

7 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

8 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.

9 Do not be irreplaceable, if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

10 If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
_________________
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[Tao]

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to glitches in the mundane/celestial Time-Space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously (even though their deaths take place decades apart).

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions the good Doctor.

"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak in Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and requests, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers; the blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his Special Theory of Relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *ARE* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials.

Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head.

"Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered. "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs "Come on in, George."
_________________
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[Tao]

Three ducks died and on the door to heaven.
They met St. Peter who asked the first what happened?

The first duck said:
"Well I was happily blowing bubbles in the river
when this huge ship ran over me and killed me."

St. peter said: "Oh poor duck, OK you go into heaven.
How about you?"

The second duck said:
"Well, I was also happily blowing Bubbles in the river
when the same ship hit me".

"Oh, Lord!" St. Peter said and let him into heaven.

"Now let me guess?" he said to the third Duck.
"You were also happily blowing Bubbles
when the same ship ran you over?"

"No" said the third duck. "I AM Bubbles"...
_________________
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[Tao]

A man told his sister:

I'm tired of your advice for vacations. Two years ago you told me to go to Paris and Mary got pregnent.

Last year you told me to go to Rome and Mary got pregnant again...

"Well" his sister said: "What you gonna do this year?"

"Hell" he replied:
This year, I'm taking Mary with me....."
_________________
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[Tao]

8th Grade Biology

The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 7 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework ; and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
_________________
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[Tao]

The Alphabet

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit. She was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B is for Bitter. Who, me? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then Die!

C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.

D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said I'm not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your uncle Roy (you remember uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends. That is what she just wanted to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for Gun. And yes, there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers favors.

J stands for Jim. That is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.

L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M is for Mephistopheles. That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O is for On top. When on top... she has another O word.

P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R is for Rich little bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for Stab. Stabbing would be fun. S also stands for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.

T is for Torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth, she also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and handcuffs and worse with her teeth during blowjobs.

U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that f*cking bitch is an understatement.

V is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for Wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to screw. But after too much she puked; that is, from the wine, not the activity.

X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for Xylophone.

Y stands for You suck. Remember when she yelled that at you?

Z stands for ZZZZZZZZ. Remember all those times you wanted to have sex and she would tell you she had a headache and would go to sleep...

. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
_________________
Lick or Be Licked

[Tao]

Man Falls Asleep At Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your a**!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
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[Brokyn]

You censored "ass". lol

--William
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Haelrahv Wiki!
++Brown Nosing Points

[SolitaryTurnip]

[soundless]

[PSOUZA]

I've been wondering when we'd see more of these. I look forward to the 'someting funny' thread, myself
_________________
GameDirector Exxy, GD-Exxy@eaxia.com
Owner/Producer, Eaxia Online
Eaxia Online, an adventure unlike any other...

Eaxia Online is a product of the Role-Players Gaming Network.

[Tao]

[Tao]

A tourist comes to NYC. One day he goes to a restaurant.
Hungry but almost broke he asks the waiter for
the cheapest sandwich they had.

"The cheapest sandwich here is Hot Dog." Said the waiter.

Doesn't know what a hot dog is, the guy thinks for a moment
and says: "What the hell, I'll eat the freakin' dog.
OK, bring me one."

The waiter bring a hot dog and places it on the table.
The guy looks at the hot dog, then at the waiter and says:

"OK, I will eat any part of the dog. Just not this one....."
_________________
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